On a tight rope…Dance!
I want to share with you a personal story about love and courage.
On this Full Moon, Dawn and I celebrate 19 years since we met. It was in a Jewish Renewal retreat center in upstate NY. I went there to teach kabbalistic mythology about "the lost princess" and she went there to take part in a course on Prayer Leadership. We both found what we were seeking... I found my lost princess and she married a Rabbi... and got to lead lots of ceremonies and prayers (in a less traditional way).
At that time I was at the end of my previous marriage of 18 years, yet still known as a married person. I knew at that point I am not interested in a monogamous relationship anymore, as the way I am wired is in a polyamorous way. What I had no idea about is how will this gorgeous woman respond if I, one of the faculty of that place, will express my total fascination with her, and the fact that I am not monogamous. Will she be shocked and disturbed? Will she go and complain to the management? Will I be shamed for that? Will I be fired?
My heart was beating after I set with her at the same table for dinner. We had mutual friends that made it casual to sit at this table with them and her... We spoke about her studies of Prayer Leadership. I told her about some Hasidic mystical teaching that claims that prayer is actually love-making with the divine feminine... She liked it! A lot! Yet, we said goodnight, and I went to my room alone. That night I couldn't fall asleep. I'm a really good sleeper. I usually fall asleep the minute I put my head down. But that night I just couldn't. All night she was with me. It wasn't a mare sexual attraction, it was deep. As if my soul was keeping me awake. She was something I just couldn't put behind.
Since slumber was not an option, I took my guitar and wrote a song. The Hebrew words of that song were about a man doubting whether or not to walk on a tight rope above the abyss. That is how I felt. The lyrics I wrote said something like: "on a tight rope above the abyss, what else can you do but dance? Drunk from the love of God, dance! Because if you are afraid to die and do not dance you are dead already, so dance! " I felt that if I will expose my heart to her I might risk public shaming and the end of my career. But, I had to dance! If I will not follow love, I said to myself, I am dead already, so better risk it all and be alive, better risk it all and be loyal to my heart and my truth.
I decided to ask her out. We were in a retreat center, so I decided to ask her if she wants to join me to the river. I met her at breakfast by the juice bar:
"How did you sleep?" She asked smiling with her soul shining through every single cell in her face.
"Honestly, not so well" I replied. "And you?" I asked.
"Same," She said.
Same???? (Was she not able to fall asleep as well?? My heart went fast.)
"For the same reasons?" I dared to ask.
"Probably" She replied.
Trumpets and drum rolls in my psyche... Yoohooo! She was mysterious, but definitely open to connect.
In the afternoon we took The Walk to the river. I took a deep breath and started the dance on my tight rope:
"May I tell you something?" I asked.
"Sure" She said.
"Well, I wanted you to know that I am very attracted to you... And indeed I am married, but I am not a monogamous person...."
"Yay!!" She celebrated my words. "Me too!"
Had I not had the innocent courage to tell her the truth and risk everything I had, Dawn and I were not celebrating now 19 years to the first kiss that we had minutes later, while skinny dipping under the waterfall.
It was during tu beAv, the ancient Hebraic holiday of love and passion, on the full moon of the summer.
Two nights ago, here in Malta, she and I lied on an outdoor bed on the roof of the Ashram of Love under that same Full Moon. The weather was perfect and the mosquitos were busy somewhere else. It was sweet like a good fig. It was simple like love is really. Simple and so so intimate.
One of the best things I ever did in my life was that crazy decision to follow the guidance of love itself and not to make any smart-ass calculations of the huge risk I took.
So for this tu beAv I want to tell you: dance!
Dance the dance of love. Take the risk of falling, but dance. Because if you do not dare dancing, well, there is nothing to risk as you had lost it all already by being dead.
Ohad Pele / July, 2021
