Adding Dimension: A Creative Guide to Working with Conflict
Conflict isn't a problem to deal with - it's a gift waiting to be unwrapped mindfully. As a Libra, I naturally gravitate towards harmony and tend to shy away from confrontation. Yet through my deep, long-term relationships, I've learned that true harmony never grows from avoiding conflict or sweeping it under the rug. It emerges when we learn to see conflict both as natural and as an invitation for growth. And to be honest, my partners and I can fairly be called growth junkies.
Three Ways to Dance with Collision
During one of my long drives, passing through various intersections, I realized there are three basic ways we deal with conflict, perfectly mirrored in how we handle traffic at crossroads:
Stop signs or traffic lights
Roundabouts
Bridges or tunnels
The Traffic Light Method: Who Yields?
At every intersection, there's a basic conflict - road users in two directions want to occupy the same space at the same time. The simplest solution is the traffic light: one goes, one stops.
A Real-Life Example: My partner and I face this challenge right now - she wants to live in the Bay Area, close to her conscious community and transformational work, while I dream of living closer to wild nature, perhaps in Costa Rica. Using the "traffic light approach," one "wins" and one "loses." If we move to the Bay Area, I might feel disconnected from the raw wilderness I crave. If we choose Costa Rica, she might feel separated from her spiritual community.
Why This Is Problematic: The traffic light approach creates a win-lose dynamic. It breeds resentment. When this approach is taken, one partner lives with a constant sense of sacrifice, while the other carries guilt or defensiveness against implied blame during tense moments. This approach raises questions like "Would I be happier with someone whose life direction aligns more naturally with mine?"
The Roundabout Method: Everyone Has to Slow Down
A roundabout offers a different solution to the conflict: instead of someone coming to a complete stop, everyone slows down and merges into a shared circular movement. In the Roundabout Solution there are no "winners" or "losers," just mutual adaptation.
A Real-Life Example: In my work with couples, I've frequently encountered partners navigating the complexities of open relationships. A common scenario involves one partner - let's call her Maya - feeling called to explore intimate connections with others, while her partner - let's call him Jim - experiences deep fear and insecurity at the thought of her being with other men, leading him to seek sexual exclusivity. Using the "roundabout approach," they might establish boundaries and agreements that attempt to honor everyone's needs, such as:
They can only engage with others at specific events when both are present, or at workshops far from home
When attraction happens, Maya needs to slow down and discuss the situation with Jim, helping him regulate his nervous system
They set up complex rules about what is and isn't allowed to explore with others
The Advantages and Limitations: While this approach feels safer than a power-over "yes" or "no," it often leaves both partners in a state of partial satisfaction and constant frustration. The slowing down approach helps manage anxiety and mitigate trauma responses, but doesn't fully resolve the underlying tension. Maya feels she can't fully express her desires, while Jim lives with continuous low-level anxiety. The compromise keeps them together and regulated, but neither feels fully expressed or truly at peace.
The roundabout approach represents a more equitable and reciprocal solution than the traffic light, but it still operates from a scarcity mindset - the assumption that if one person gets more of what they want, the other must get less. While many conscious couples navigate relationships this way, it raises the question: How might we transform this apparent conflict into an opportunity for both partners to expand and get even more of what they really want?
The Bridge/Tunnel Method: Life Beyond Compromise
In the realm of open relationships, building a bridge means looking for a dimension that transcends the apparent conflict between sexual freedom and emotional security. Instead of managing each other's behaviors through rules or compromising desires through limitations, we explore how this challenge might invite both partners to grow into a new level of relating.
A Real-Life Example: When Maya and Jim were willing to dig deeper into their needs and fears, they discovered profound treasures: Maya's desire to explore her sexuality was part of a larger journey of relearning how to listen to herself, understand her true desires, and embrace her full self - something her upbringing had never permitted.
Jim discovered that his fear of losing Maya was deeply intertwined with feelings of inadequacy and disconnection from his own erotic power. His sense of self-worth had become attached to the notion that he "had" Maya, and that her sexuality was "his" alone.
Adding a Dimension: When we add a dimension to a crossroad, whether by building a bridge above or a tunnel below, we create more freedom in the system for both sides to flow. Both partners should feel more free as a result of the added dimension (but not "free to limit the other" - that cannot be called true freedom).
Based on their "excavation" beneath the surface, they began addressing the real issues:
Jim recognized that he lacked connection to his own erotic power and was using Maya's sexuality as a bandage for his wounds. He decided that, regardless of Maya's choices, he wanted to join a men's group and practice Sexual Shamanism to find his own inner flame.
Maya's exploration of sexuality gained clarity once she understood what she was truly seeking. She focused more on the practice of self-listening in all aspects of life. "I want to know who I am and what I truly want!" she declared. Sometimes she discovered that simply stating her desires was enough - she didn't always need to act on them. It was like admiring a delicious cheesecake without needing to devour it.
Moreover, they realized their true connection existed on a different level entirely from any physical experiences with others. Their soul-level bond couldn't be threatened by external sexual encounters. After time (yes, building a bridge over a junction requires patience!), both had grown immensely, and their relationship transformed to a new level - thanks to the very conflict that had challenged them.
Three Key Principles for Adding a Dimension to Conflict:
Look Deeper Than the Surface When facing conflict, pause to explore beneath the immediate desires or fears. What are the deeper yearnings trying to be expressed? What wounds are we attempting to protect by pushing our surface-level solutions? Often, our initial demands or reactions are sophisticated ways to avoid feeling vulnerable places within ourselves. By diving beneath the surface, we might discover that the real treasure lies in what we're afraid to feel.
Hold Space with Sacred Wonder Instead of rushing to solutions or compromises, cultivate a state of sacred curiosity about what wants to emerge. Allow yourself to rest in Not Knowing - that fertile void where creative possibilities gestate. When we release our grip on familiar solutions and remain genuinely curious, unexpected pathways reveal themselves.
Transform Emotional Energy into Creation The emotional charge of conflict contains immense creative potential. Rather than trying to suppress these feelings or manage them through rules and agreements, we can channel this energy into building something new. This isn't about controlling the energy but about allowing it to show us what wants to be created. Each strong emotion in conflict can become building material for a new dimension of relating.
From Victim to Co-Creator Consciousness
The bridge approach recognizes emotional pain as potential energy for transformation. When we shift from victim consciousness to co-creator consciousness, we:
Take back our power by owning responsibility for our emotional experience
See other people's choices as invitations for our growth and transformation
Transform apparent obstacles into opportunities for expansion
Recognize that our pain often points to where a wound calls our attention so it can be healed
A Non-Zero-sum Game
When we're facing conflict, our choice of approach shapes not just the direct outcome of this specific conflict, but our entire life experience that unfolds from that choice of approach. While many people believe that control or compromise are necessary in life, and indeed many live that way, I think that life has much more to offer than controlling others or living in compromise -- if we only dare to ask the deep questions and adopt Sacred Wonder.
"The Bridge Approach" suggests that life isn't a zero-sum game. By digging deep enough into our psyche, or building high enough into subtle realms, we can add new dimensions to our lives. This addition of dimension not only allows all sides to move freely and powerfully, but it also develops the "real estate" of our lives, so to say. Where once there was a simple intersection, now there's a "bridge" - perhaps even a beautiful one that allows us to see new vistas and perspectives we couldn't have imagined before.
The largest conflicts in our lives can lead to the most significant transformation - if we're open to seeking creative ways to engage with them and wean off the addiction to blaming others for how bad we feel. When we look for ways to add a new dimension to a situation, we're not just trying to solve a problem - we're opening ourselves to become co-creators of a new reality, one that's broader and richer than what we had ever known before.
——
A Note for Kabbalah Enthusiasts:
The three approaches parallel three faces (Partsufim) of divine emanation in Kabbala:
The Traffic Light approach corresponds to Zeir Anpin, a masculine approach that when unsweetened by the feminine employs judgment and power over.
The Roundabout way connects to the Shechina, the Divine Feminine, in the secret of the circle that embraces and contains all.
The Dimension-Adding method relates to Atika Kadisha, the depth of the Crown Sefira, which opens us to an entirely different dimension of existence.
- This article is a part of the Sacred Wonder © Path, developed by Pele & Katara and the Sacred Wonder LLC.
