The Secret of Kissing Before Lovemaking
In memory of my elder, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, may he rest in pleasure.
~ Pele, July 2023, Bolder Colorado.
The secret of ‘The Kiss’ in Kabbalah carries profound depths. In the book of the Zohar (13th century) the act of kissing was perceived to connect the four directions, the Kabbalah of the Ari (16th century) recognized kissing as a supreme spiritual union, and the Hasidic Kabbalah from the school of the Ba’al Shem Tov (18th century) soared high, explaining the secret of kissing as part of the process of awakening and world redemption.
In this short article, I wish to share with you a little kiss from the Secret of Kissing.
This morning, I made a pilgrimage to the grave of my beloved elder, Rabbi Zalman Schacter-Shalomi, who is buried in Boulder, Colorado. At his tombstone, I remembered a conversation we had many years ago, when Dawn Cherie and I decided to establish the School of Love and Kabbalah – “KabaLove”. We came to ask for Rabbi Zalman’s blessing. He blessed us, and with his unique and unforgettable shackle, added: "Just don't forget to share with people what the Ba’al Shem-Tov said, that the delay in the Messiah's coming is due to people not dedicating enough time to the secret of kissing before intercourse to evoke the woman's desire first."
To understand the deep meaning of Rabbi Zalman's words, let us first double-click on the word "Kiss" in Hebrew.
A ‘Weapon’ and a ‘Kiss’
The Hebrew word for ‘Kiss’ (Neshika) is connected to the word ‘weapon’ (Neshek).
Seemingly, it doesn’t make any sense: a kiss is an expression of affection, while a weapon represents conflict and violence. So, where does the connection lie?
The link between a weapon and a kiss becomes clear when we examine the Hebrew verb "to kiss" (LeNashek). In Hebrew, the verb "to kiss" is constructed similarly to the word “LeSharesh,” which means to uproot something. While ‘LeHashrish’ means to root, ‘LeSharesh’ means to uproot. In this light, what does the word "LeNashek" – to kiss – imply? Its essence lies in the uprooting, releasing, and eliminating of any "weapon" that might exist between us.
Some say the connection between ‘Weapon’ and ‘Kiss’ may have originated in ancient tribal customs. In those times, a kiss might have served as a mutual physical check, ensuring the other person was not carrying any weapon. However, from the perspective of the Kabbalah of Love, a real kiss is capable of disarming the mental and energetic “weapons” that might be present even between lovers.
A real kiss disarms us from our psychological weapons and undoes our defense mechanisms. Of course, not every physical kiss does that, so I prefer to approach it from the opposite direction and define a Kiss not by the action of the lips but by its impact: we can say that a Kiss occurs when we meet with our loved ones in a way that drops down our defenses, and disarms ourselves from any mental or energetic weapon we might hold. It’s this moment in which we are ready to meet each other defenseless, exposed, and open that can be rightfully called A Kiss. A kiss is a place of merging (‘HaShaka’ in Hebrew) of my energetic body with the energetic body of the other. A real Kiss can happen whether we put our physical lips together or not.
Epic Love Kissing
In the language of Hasidic Kabbalah, this state of mind is referred to as “Great Love" (A’hava Rabbah), or as it is written in the name of the Ba’al Shem Tov: "a great love, the secret of kissing before lovemaking."
Great love is a state of mind that differs from ordinary love. Ordinary love can exist between two people while each is still wrapped in their protective layers of defensiveness, much like people wrapped in winter clothes and heavy coats can still hug each other. However, in the case of Ahava Rabba, Great Love, or as my beloved Katara calls it, “Epic Love,” all our defenses are shed off. It's a vulnerable and scary situation to be in. Meeting another person from a defenseless place can be frightening. Nevertheless, in a state of Epic Love Kissing, that's exactly what we want to do. It's like two people who remove all their heavy coats (‘Me’eelim’ in Hebrew) and clothes (‘Bgadim’ in Hebrew), which symbolize the shedding of all the places where we distort (‘Mo’alim’ in Hebrew) and betray (“Bogdim” in Hebrew) the naked truth of Love. Only then can we truly embrace each other in the most intimate way.
Living in the body rather than in the mind
The Ba’al Shem Tov said that people do not devote enough time to Great Love, to the state of absolute intimacy, where we let go of our defenses and are ready to be vulnerable in a meeting of love. Instead, we rush into physical lovemaking, skipping the spiritual union called "The Secret of Kissing."
In his opinion, this is why human consciousness is still in a state of existential exile. According to Hasidic tradition, the Ba’al Shem Tov received a message "from heaven" that the delay in the coming of the Messiah is linked to people not dedicating enough time to the secret of Great Love.
The term "the coming of the Messiah" should not be understood as the sudden appearance of a particular person who will save us from ourselves. Instead, it should be understood as a state of consciousness to which all humanity shall rise, and return from the mental exile in which it currently resides. Humanities existential exile is related to the alienation between the mind and the body. As a collective, we do not live "in the body" but in the mind. This alienation is similar to a nation exiled from its land. The land is the body, and the humans are the mind. When consciousness does not reside in the body but in the mind, as is the case with most people today, it is a state of exile that requires redemption. And according to the message received by the Ba'al Shem Tov, the key to this redemption lies in “The Secret of Kissing."
Here is the translation of the original text:
“And as I have heard from my teacher (the Ba’al Shem Tov) what was told from the heavens about the reason for the delay in the coming of the Messiah: Because people do not dedicate enough time to ‘Ahava Rabbah,’ the secret of kissing before lovemaking, to evoke the woman's desire first, so that she will seed first and birth … ‘Rahamim’ (Compassion).” -(Toldot Ya’akov Yosef, Parashat Vaera).
The awakening and redemption of humanity as a whole, and of an individual as a microcosmos, comes in direct proportion to how much they are run by compassion or by judgment. Compassion redeems us from life of alienation.
To evoke compassion with our lovemaking, we need to have the feminine side in us (no matter the gender) awake and first. The feminine in us is awakened when we take the time and allow ourselves to really kiss, meaning to be together in a defenseless mode. Vulnerable, exposed, and real. When we meet from this place we kiss. It is the kissing of our souls, much more than of our bodies and lips. When this kissing of souls happens the feminine aspect in us can trust, let go, surrender to love and “orgazm” in deep ecstatic pleasure. The real ecstasy of the feminine is not connected to the friction of the skin as it’s connected to the ability to let go and trust. But as long as we meet eachother and are still wrapped up in our defenses She can not really trust and surrender. She needs a kiss, an undoing of defensiveness, to feel trust. Only then, according to these teachings, more compassion is being born in through our lovemaking, and we redeem ourselves from our existential exile.
May we kiss well
