Getting Out of Conflict Cycles in Relationship
Let me reveal a big secret to you. It has taken me 33 years and two long-term relationships to understand this secret, but it has completely changed the way I am in the relationship, especially in times of conflict.
Especially, I would add, when my partner and I do not see things the same way and it’s about something that matters a lot to us.
For a long time I knew that when we have conflicting ideas about something if we choose to prove we are right and the other is wrong, we stray away from love. When we care about being the one who is right, we start putting energy into our separate identities and our egos — not love.
But what to do when I really, really think I am RIGHT?
So here is the Secret in 8 simple words:
* The voice of my partner is my Shadow! *
This is especially true when their opinion or vision triggers me to my core.
What it means is that although I have my opinion, and I am also sure I am right (and sometimes righteous too) in the Shadows of my own being, I also have the opposite voice. This voice speaks through many different avenues, one of them being my partner. It can be so aggravating and triggering to hear the voice of my Shadow precisely because I do not want to hear it. That’s why it’s in the Shadow… These are the things I’d prefer to ignore and avoid identifying.
For instance:
If I tend towards monogamy because I feel it will serve the safety and security of our relationship whereas my partner tends toward non-monogamy because something in her wants deep freedom, we can fight about it forever. Until……
Until I realize that what she is saying is actually a voice that exists within me, a voice that I chose to avoid and deny, but it is not only “her” voice, it is actually mine. She might realize the very same thing about me, that I, as a devoted loving partner, am voicing the words and feelings of her Shadow.
So what comes next?
Next comes a burst of big laughter from the cosmic joke, when we see how seriously we take ourselves and the things we stand for, while actually, we have the total opposite inside us. And then comes the stage of inner work. Once I understand that I am actually arguing with myself through my partner, I can admit that what she says is also a part of me (therefore she is not so “wrong” and I am not so “right”) and bring it home to myself.
When we do this work together, all of a sudden we are not two people in a conflict with each other, but two real partners that give voice to all the aspects that are relevant to the matter. We can examine the subject together from all sides because we let go of the identity that tries to prove us as right.
If you’d like more practices and insight into harmonious and empowered relating, check out my Sacred Relating (Open or Not) online course.
